xp_daredevil | 6 months

Entry tags:

addict,
token

6 months

I met with my therapist today and got my 6th months sober token. I've gotten one every month since I stopped using again. It's been harder recently, the past two weeks or so, but I'm determined to stay clean. I thought the holidays would be hardest, but they weren't so bad. Good and bad days are normal, I've got to remember that. And one bad day, or even a series of bad days, doesn't mean it won't get better.

I don't know if the picture came out, but I tried to take it with my phone. Hopefully you all can see it.

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Okay, basic example: a dollar bill uses a specific kind of paper. No matter how well you copy it, the moment you touch it, it's you're going to know it's fake when you touch it while say, you'd never see an important document on newsprint or something really old on copy paper, so you can feel the way the type is pressed into it.

There's more to it than that, like the way different places use different paper for different things, but that's the basics.

Yeah, but I can't tell a $1 from a $5 by touching it.

You know, other countries make their money in different sizes, just for that.

You have to actually trust people about money. That sucks.

I know, right? I've heard about that in other places.

I don't get much cash anyways, so it kinda works for now.

Well, yeah, the Xavier's Foundling Allowance doesn't go that far.

There's like, this coffee place in town who need a waiter. You could get a job there.

Well, I get money through social security disability and foster care and all that, too. I just don't get it all for me to spend personally.

I'm good right now. Pretty sure a blind waiter, regardless of mutant powers, would be a little problematic.

Well, why not? So, you can't write things down, but it's not like you can't walk across the room without spilling the coffee. But I really don't see why you can't have a job. Like, just don't use the cash register.

because I lose my SSD if I do.

Only if they know you have a job.

yah.

no.

What? You just don't tell them that you have a job. Everyone does it.

that is an amazingly bad idea

You know how Doug has that one rule, which goes "don't get caught" (and I am way less of a dork about getting caught now)?

Well, why should that rule only apply to me? Like, dude, what, exactly, is wrong with like, wanting extra money and not wanting to be poor?

Nothing, but I don't want a job right now and I'm not complaining about being poor. I've been poor my whole life, so whatever. I also don't want to add swindling the government to my rap sheet before I'm 18.

Yeah, dude. I was poor for like, years, too. And unlike you, I am never going to bee poor again, so help me. If that means i have to run scams or rob banks or whatever it takes to make sure I'm not.

Besides, what has the government ever done for you?

Well, I'm going to go to college and get a job and all that. So I won't be again either.

Uh, well, let's see...free lunches at school as a kid, food stamps and stuff like that, housing assistance, SSD, foster care allowance, healthcare etc. What more should I ask for? they're already helping support me instead of being out on the streets instead of Xavier's.

Yeah, but your dad presumably paid tax sometimes. This is like, payment.

And hey, none of that will help you pay for college or wear decent clothes and they're probably going to bill you for all he medical you accrued before you turned 18, as soon as you turn 18. They stuck you in the worst, most shitty-assed home ever and didn't do proper due dilligence on your foster dad.

They freaking owe you.

Yeah, my dad paid taxes. That's sort of the point - you pay in and then get out different things depending on what you need.

Actually, because I'm blind, that will probably pay for at least part of my college, if not all and my medical when I went blind - hospital stay, rehab, meds, etc, were all paid for by the company that hit me. I should also have something in an account waiting for me when I turn 18, I just don't know how much. They gave us a settlement though, I remember it being a lot of money at the time and I don't think I've used any of it because I can't access it. My dad might've used some, IDK.

As for foster care, there's a lot of problems with that system in general, but that doesn't mean they owe me. See, this is the problem - I don't think anyone owes me anything. I made my choices, which were influenced by those around me and their choices were made due to their circumstances, etc etc. Playing the blame game gets me nowhere.

If I want to succeed, I work hard, study and do well in school and all that. I don't need millions.

Uh, actually, you didn't make choices. You didn't choose to go blind or live with a psycho rapist or have a dad who died and couldn't get his act together to not be poor and probably, you didn't even know you were going to be an addict when you started using. Frankly, the only thing you've actually chosen to do so far is to do well at school (and hell, given you live at your school, I'm not entirely sure you actually get a choice about that and to not use drugs but even that's not actually a choice, because it'is like, court mandated. You don't stay clean, you go to jail. It's not a case of wanting to stay clean for you, it's that you don't actually want to go to jail. Face it, if you're under 18, you're not alloweda make choices.

Until you're actually old enough to be legally allowed to make your own choicces about what you do with your money and where you live, you're allowed to play the blame game, because they fucked you over. If you were old enough that you were actually allowed to make decisions, well, that would be different.

Also, working hard, studying, doing well at school... what's it actually going to do? Leave you half a million dollars in debt for some degree that's worth like, about as much as some toilet paper because hey, junkie ex-foster kid who can't see. You've already made it clear that the system will fuck you over, so you have to find a different way of being successful, because doing it the "proper" way ain't going to work.

It's working for me, and look what I was before I came here.

Matt, if you need help with scholarship applications when it's time, just ask - Haller, probably, it's kind of his job, but I'm around if he's busy or away.

Just putting it out there. The difference is that you might be gray but you can speak and see. Those tend to be looked on highly by the world.

Thanks, Mr. Espinosa. I think I'm okay right now, but I will let you know.

It's the waiting game for college letters now.

You're right, I didn't choose those things, but they affected me regardless and I have two choices - I can live with them as best I can, or I can whine about life being unfair. And yeah, life is unfair, but it's never going to get better if I sit around bemoaning that. And my dad didn't ASK to be poor or die before I was grown or anything like that. But they happened. And you deal the best you can.

I disagree about not getting to make choices. I can choose if I want to use again - I know where to get drugs and all that. I choose NOT to use. I choose to apply for college, but I don't have to. I choose to study, but studying doesn't guarantee I'll do well in school. It doesn't matter how old I am, I am still in charge of my destiny and blaming others for things out of my control is useless.

Maybe I'll get a good job after college, maybe not. But I definitely won't if I sit here whining about it instead of getting out there and trying. Being blind is less of a handicap than refusing to take a risk. I'm not afraid of trying and failing, but I am afraid of not trying.

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6 months

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